The College of Philosophy were holding their annual general meeting in Scoresdale Village. We did not anticipate any trouble from a group of philosophers, not compared to punk rockers for example.
Among other things they were selling a handkerchief which appeared to have one pattern when folded and a different pattern when opened out. It "represented the complexity of life" apparently. At £5 each it also represented the cost of living.
‘Have you seen this?’
Constable Burgos always read the Daily Star after putting up with all that banter about him being illiterate.
He read deliberately.
‘Underwater slavery. ‘
‘Women have been lured by romantic weddings including some underwater ceremonies. The weddings, mostly involving the same groom, are fake but the domestic slavery is all too real.’
‘A woman dubbed ‘the masked avenger’ (the mask was scuba gear, he explained) put a spanner in the works by cutting the air pipe of the groom which led to his doom.’
‘That’s a mixed metaphor,’ he said proudly. ‘Groom and doom rhyme,’ he added.
In a cafe in Scoresdale, one of the small dramas which were a feature of the AGM of the College of Philosophy.
The philosopher nominated as "murderee" Doctor Amanda Scrace was sitting having a meal in a popular local restaurant. Leading celebrities of the College were in attendance.
So were we. We had an anonymous tip off that Doctor Scrace was in fact the soi-disant "masked avenger". Constable Burgos was just looking around at the celebrities around him with awe and I had to keep reminding him to keep his mind on the job.
The nominated "murderer" entered the restaurant to applause. He stalked up to the murderee and said dramatically, ‘I have come to kill you’
In accordance with tradition, Doctor Scrace responded, ‘Obviously you are not or you would have done it by now. Will you talk me to death?" ‘ Her companions applauded.
The gun went off and the guest of honour sank gracefully to the floor. By tradition she would then get up and make a meandering speech about the futility of existence.
Not this time. She was very dead. The College had two medical doctors (in fact it had five). Two certified the death as a heart attack.
By tradition the College applied to the authorities for what they called a Viking funeral.
The shrouded victim was put into a long boat which was set afire at a safe distance from shore. Members of the college thronged the shore and unanimously confirmed they had seen Amanda’s soul leave her body. She gave the College a tedious benediction which was well received.
A Scoresdale local saw Amanda rising from the remains of the shroud and yelling ‘YOU BASTARDS!’ but the resident knew better than to say anything. The underwater slave trade resumed after a decent interval. No link to the College of Philosophy was established. In addition to doctors, they also had some very expensive barristers.
Derek McMillan is the author of the cheerily entitled "Murder from Beyond the Grave" which is available on eBay.
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