My House Smells Expensive

by Kali Abel

I caught the tail end of an Instagram ad this morning. “Make your house smell expensive!” it said, showing a small, white, plug-in cube, like an oversized Altoid in an outlet.

Make your house smell expensive. Oh, my house already smells expensive. Let me tell you how.

It smells of the dog’s morning breath, the only morning breath I can stand. The dog who cost me $1500 in vet bills two months ago when she tripped down the stairs, tore a nail, and then the scar tissue caused it to grow back deformed warranting its removal.

It smells of my daughter’s wet gym bag and her disdain for my advice that she needs to remove her wet cleats from the bag itself, not leave them in the trash bag I had advised she carry the previous month. It smells like $5 of Febreze and whole new sports bag for her birthday, on the heels of that brand new lacrosse stick. My advice, however, remains irritatingly free.

It smells of books, thirty or so from the library, but many more that were bought. It's an addiction that no one would dare fault me for, and if they did, they could be prepared to smell my wrath up and down the halls.

It does not smell like the dinner I thought my husband would make me for Mother’s Day. He was tired and playing a video game on the console I bought for $1,000 a few years ago as his Christmas gift.

It smells like laundry. The clothes worn once by one child before being washed, and the clothes worn 25 times by the other child before she is told they must be washed. It smells of detergent and the fresh ink of the water bill as the water heater clicks on for their meditatively long showers even while the washing machine still whirs.

Oh, my house smells expensive alright. Expensive in countless ways depending on the day, whose birthday is nearest, which holiday has most recently passed, and what the temperature is outside. So with all due respect, Instagram, you can take your oversized Altoid mint and shove it in your own socket.

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Kali Abel is a political ecologist and professor at the University of Portland. She is much friendlier than she sounds in this particular piece......usually.